The New Stuff

What's This? I'm Not A Sagittarius Anymore?


What's your sign? There's a question we've all heard at some point or another. In fact, I think it's an unwritten rule that when speaking about birthdays and personalities, you must do so in the company shared by at least one astrological fanatic. However, a new study recently surfaced suggesting that the answer you've been giving people your whole life, might just be inaccurate.

Minneapolis Community and Technical College astronomy professor, Parke Kunkle, announced this week, “The astrological calendar is all wrong.” The Los Angeles Times printed the following comment made by the myth-altering instructor:

“People might think they're a Pisces (compassionate, imaginative), but often they're really an Aquarius (witty, clever) -- at least based on an exact reading of the Earth's orbit. Or maybe, if you were born between Nov. 29 and Dec. 17, you're actually a strange new zodiac sign: Ophiuchus, the serpent holder. I defined the zodiac by the constellations that are in the background when you look at where the sun, moon, and stars are. Ophiuchus has been around a long time, and the sun has been going through Ophiuchus for thousands of years.”

Hmm... I have the pleasure of sharing my birthday (Dec. 7) with Pearl Harbor. I'm not sure if I'm ready to replace my centaur with an ugly scorpion. Hell, if the Chinese calendar had it's way... I can't tell you how many times I've eaten my fortune cookie in shame as I glance down at the birthday place mat that labels me a rat. Is there no end to this zodiac humiliation?

As you would imagine, this new 13 sign chart has not been met with overwhelming acceptance in the astrology world. Just think of all the new cards the gypsies will have to print. Self proclaimed "master astrologer," Jeffrey Brock, says, “it holds no water” and is "completely unfounded." Yet, Kunkle defends his theory claiming, “Although Ophiuchus (seeker of wisdom, lucky) has what only amounts to a celestial toe in the sun's path, it hosts the sun for more than twice as long as Scorpio (independent, passionate).”

Scientists – many of which place astrology on the same level as witchcraft, acknowledge that we have known about Ophiuchus for years but never gave it the green light for inclusion on the chart “because the constellation only barely touches the sun's path, [and therefore] it is not truly a zodiac sign.”

It's believed that Ophiuchus (Nov. 29-Dec. 17) was tossed out by the Babylonians who wanted 12 signs per year. So, for those of you born between the aforementioned dates and have felt a little out of whack your whole life... well my friends, you can now take solace in your new star pattern. But wait, this may also explain that underlying feeling of incompatibility with your Virgo spouse you knew was meant to be right up until those inane little arguments started. My word, I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I feel like the big dipper just tipped over. I have to make new friends. Choose a different career path. Rethink past life decisions. Damn it Kunkle, you couldn't just leave well enough alone and let the Earth wobble about.

You know what, screw it. The next time somebody says, “What's your sign?” I'm answering, “sybarite.”

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