The New Stuff

U.S. Skier May Miss 2014 Winter Olympics After Peeing on 11-Year Old

Okay, let's see if we can keep the R. Kelly jokes to a minimum for this one. It will be difficult, I know.

U.S. skier Robert Dietze evidently can't hold his alcohol as well as he thought. I mean when you mistake an 11-year old girl for the bathroom, on an airplane, it's safe to say — you might be white-boy-wasted (that's what the kids are calling it these days, right?) But that's exactly what the Olympic hopeful recently did during a JetBlue plane ride to New York City. After his consumption of eight alcoholic beverages, 18-year old Vietze then attempted to make it to one of the aircraft's restrooms. Not making it quite far enough, he found himself urinating all over some poor girl's leg. Lucky for Vietze, the girl's dad was in the bathroom himself while the debauchery was going down, but when he returned, let's just say he was less than thrilled — go figure.

"Fuck that kid!" the disgruntled dad shouted. "I don't want him near my family!" But when asked why he did such a thing, the police report noted Vietze saying this : "I was drunk and I did not realize I was pissing on her leg." Happens all the time, right? I'm sure he merely thought it was one of those new-age urinals they've putting up all over the place.

Not only was the act quite embarrassing, not to mention he probably has a hit out on him, by the little girl's dad, the U.S. athlete is likely to have no shot at appearing on the nation's team for the 2014 Winter Olympics. Talk about pissing your dreams away, huh?

So let this be a lesson to you, kids. When on a plan, consuming a decent amount of alcohol, knowing that the drinks will inevitably catch up to you and your bladder — keep one of the cups as a useful tool and just piss in that, instead of on your neighbor. Or maybe you could come up with a better plan. But that's the best I've got.

Oh — and let me close with a shout out to sir R. Kelly.

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