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TSA Security Leads To Ejaculation: Pat Down Too Exciting?


Alright ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Before reading this story, I suggest you make yourself some popcorn, cuddle up in your favorite Snuggie, sit back, and get ready to chuckle, giggle, and dare I say lose it, as I take you on a news journey riddled with innuendos and punchlines that nearly write themselves. Okay, let's go!

It all went down in San Francisco a few days ago when, according to Papparazi Journal, “Percy Cummings (and yes...that's his real last name), a 47 year old gay interior designer, was arrested at San Francisco International Airport for ejaculating on a TSA officer who was patting him for security check.” They decided to pat down – which is TSA lingo for invasively grope – the fabulous fashioner after the full body scan detector went off due to the multiple metal piercings in Cummings' penis.

You may be wondering what in the hell kind of pat down this was especially given the recent horror stories we've heard regarding embarrassing TSA security moments in the news. Well, Prince Albert's partner, Sergio Armani, was there and said that the inspector took, “an inordinate amount of time groping” the private parts of Cummings. This was the reason for the apparent arousal.

In a sad turn of events, our eager designer friend has been charged with sexual assault even though there have been claims that the ejaculation was out of his control. On top of the heightened scrutiny the TSA has received recently, medical reports allege that Cummings has had a history of previous sexual dysfunction, making this an even stickier situation.

Now get this; the rules set forth by TSA express that anyone who ejaculates during a pat down is subject to being arrested. Really? This is a rule that needed to be in place? I have news for you TSA... If you are making so many people ejaculate during security checks that you actually need a precedent, you might be doing it wrong. You people should be working in a brothel, not an airport. What happened to Mr. Cummings (still can't get over that perfect name) is ridiculous if you ask me. They should add one more line to the TSA employee training handbook that reads: If you don't want to get your hands dirty, keep them out of crotches with more piercings than a pin cushion.

In Cummings' defense, there are signs all over the airport that say you're not allowed to bring liquids past the checkpoint. The TSA screener, who now goes by the nickname, squirt, could not by reached for comment. I assume he was too busy having a brand new mother arrested for spilling milk on him.

(Image from Paparazzi Journal)

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