The New Stuff

Teen Boy Attacks Woman: Claims He's A Vampire!

I for one have thought for a while, enough with the damn vampire themed television shows and movies. It's played out already. And to tell you the truth, vampires aren't even depicted properly. No wonder girls in this country go wild for these salacious characters. They're not portrayed accurately. Let me break it down for you and give you the painful truth. Dating a vampire is hard people! For starters, the late night hours are killer (no pun intended). Not to mention they're notoriously temperamental. And lastly, they don't all have gorgeous bodies and 6-pack abs like Taylor Lautner. Seriously, I go to the gym five days per week and have never seen a vampire. The only thing out of the ordinary that I've ever spotted at the gym was something that appeared to be either a werewolf or an Iranian woman.

But, if you need more proof that this vampire craze is tired and over... we now have people believing they are vampires which naturally exonerates them from guilt in their minds when biting a fellow human being. According to the The Galveston County Daily News, “police in Galveston arrested 19-year-old [self-described vampire] Lyle Monroe Bensley early on Saturday on charges of burglary with intent to commit assault.” How about this for scene ripped from a low-budget version of “Twilight”: “Bensley -- clad only in boxer shorts -- forced his way into the victim's apartment, entered her bedroom and began to make growling and hissing sounds, then allegedly attacked the woman in bed, biting and hitting her.” Um... can anybody say PCP?

The woman was reportedly able to escape our blood thirsty buddy by hiding in a neighbors car driving by. The best part is how fang boy got caught. “While searching the crime scene, [police] heard yells and growls coming from the parking lot, where they say they spotted Bensley.” After a brief pursuit, the police were able to take him into custody. Most likely by telling him the sun was about to rise. We all know what that does to a vampire's skin. One of the officers told The Houston Chronicle that, “he was begging us to restrain him because he didn't want to kill us. I'm a vampire, and I've been alive for over 500 years. He said he needed to feed.” Whoa... he looks great for his age! Botox PR better hop on this free advertising pronto!

And this isn't the first time somebody has let the vampire media craze go to their head. The report stated that “last year, police in Ohio arrested an allegedly intoxicated 21-year-old who said he was immortal and claimed he wanted to drink the blood and eat the kidneys of law enforcement officials.”

I'm not sure what the punishment is going to be for Bensley... but I'm thinking a wooden stake through the heart seems appropriate, right?

(Image from Galveston Police Dept.)

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