The New Stuff

Man Busted After Handing Out Semen Yogurt?

We all know that protein is good for us... but chances are if you're getting it the way this man was handing it out, you should be in on it – or at least having a good time in the process. According to the Associated Press, a federal grand jury has indicted an Albuquerque man after he decided to hand out semen-tainted yogurt samples at a grocery store. Boy that creamy stuff can really get you in trouble. (I was talking about yogurt! Where is your dirty mind?)

As read in the report, after Anthony Garcia was arrested on Wednesday afternoon, “he was indicted [later that day] on charges of adulterating food and making false statements to federal investigators.” Why even mention the false statements? That's basically a fancy legal term meaning “to lie.” Really?... We had to note that the same man who made love to yogurt is also dishonest? Get out! Say it ain't so!

The aforementioned tainted yogurt samples were handed out at a Sunflower Market in Albuquerque, New Mexico in January. And people are still complaining about the aftertaste? Well, somebody needs a thorough psychical! Here's how our dairy whacker actually got caught. “Officers responded to the store after a woman called to report an employee had given her what she was told was a yogurt sample. The woman told police she believed it was actually a bodily fluid.” Am I the only one that noticed that in breaking the case, she also answered the question of whether or not she swallows? That's some keen taste buds one only acquires with practice, ma' lady!

Well, no matter what happens behind her closed doors, “police say they tested the yogurt and found semen.” Later, they used DNA evidence to link the slow churned snack to Garcia. At this time, Garcia remains in jail most likely passing the time by customizing push pops for the other inmates. He is scheduled to be arraigned and appointed an attorney later today (Thursday). Hey, I hear that former politician Weiner is looking for work. I'm sure he'll understand your phallic motivation.

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