The New Stuff

Chimps Going Ape In Vegas


I’ll concede, maybe I’m in the minority when it comes to random acts of violence… but honestly, how much fun is it to watch a full grown chimpanzee destroy private property all because, well, he can?! Oh wait… you do like that? Well great, here’s what happened.

Last Thursday, Vegas police went on a mini safari hunting for some mischievous monkeys. According to the LA Times, “Several panicked residents called dispatchers shortly after 10 a.m. to report that the chimps were acting aggressively in a northwest Las Vegas neighborhood.” And what did officers find when they moved in? A male and female in what Las Vegas police spokeswoman Laura Meltzer called, "an agitated state.” HA!

"The male, which was estimated to weigh 170 pounds, was pounding on cars and damaging vehicles," she said. Yup. That’s agitated alright! Unfortunately, the male was shot by an officer after crossing a major street. Don’t kid yourself… This may be the fast-and-loose City of Sin, but Vegas does NOT tolerate primate jaywalking! We have to draw the line somewhere people. The female chimp – much like human animals – was apparently not as much of a public risk and only needed to be tranquilized. She lives on happily.

I’ve done some of my own detective work, some hypothesizing if you will, and I’ve concluded that this was a simple domestic dispute. She probably tried serving bananas for dinner again and he most likely lost it. I feel bad for both really. On the one hand, a potassium platter is good for you but would probably get old real quick. And on the other hand, there are only so many ways to prepare bugs and bananas.

The one good thing that came out of this debauchery? If they ever decide to produce the primate version of “C.O.P.S.,” it’s a sure hit. Come on Animal Planet… you know you want to!

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